When your whore-moans get outta control. Menopause and them hormones.


Hot flushes. Mood swings. Weight gain. Weakening bones. Ba ba bing. 

You’ve all experienced various levels of premenstrual tension. Maybe you were one of the lucky ones who just shed a dainty tear at a toilet roll TV advert featuring puppies, a day before you came on. Maybe you had furious migraines, got horribly bloated and HATED everything (except chocolate), for at least a week prior to hemorrhaging your pants off.  At both extremes, you were controlled, or at least ‘altered’ by them hormones.

Menopause = PMT x 1000



Yet despite experiencing these periods, on average 450 times in our lifetime, we still find it extremely hard to step outside of ourselves and recognize that what is happening is not necessarily how we ‘normally’ feel.

We’re not normally so tearful, nor are we normally so angry, nor do we normally feel, in simple terms, quite so bloody shit. But it is real in that moment and we have to strive to control our tongues and/or our tears.

So when ‘normal’ leaves the building; when there is virtually zero control and when your whore is moaning BIGTIME, what do you do?


Ask your mum?

I asked my mum (apparently we often meno very similarly to our mothers). She told me she was a complete bitch for a year; she couldn’t really recall anything about the hot flushes and/or sweats – she lived in a very hot country at the time, so there was no gauging it. That wasn’t amazingly helpful.


KNOW I am affected by this meno-bitch; simple logic tells me that. But I struggle to sieve out my normal truth from my whore-moaner. How can I tell if my despair, or my sudden anxiety, or my snappiness is unjustified or not? My hormones make everything feel so convincing and real, that I can’t.


But what I can do, and what I suggest you do too, is to do everything possible to minimize these symptoms. Embrace this challenging time, grab this whore by the hair and ‘own’ her.

Help yourselves as much as you can with your mind, your diet and (for some) HRT. 

HOT FLASHES. I live in a (currently) cold country, so I absolutely DO notice my hot flashes. A very good, old friend of mine explained how she dealt with these infernos. She looked at them as empowering, she was in awe of what her body was capable of – going from 0-60 in seconds, furnace boiling, suddenly soaked in sweat, and then, just as quickly, it’s passed. It’s incredible; it’s something top magicians couldn’t do…okay it’s also embarrassing, inconvenient and causes way more laundry. But be little fascinated by it, because it is pretty amazing.

DIET: there are several foods and drinks you should avoid to minimize the flushes, as well as some foods that help to balance your hormones naturally. With balanced hormones, you are more likely to keep control of weight gain too.

Guide to managing menopause with diet

What NOT to eat and drink.

  • caffeine – one of the WORST for hot flashes, moodiness and sleep problems
  • alcohol – ditto
  • spicy foods – can contribute to more hot flashes, but they’re no where near as damaging as caffeine, alcohol and
  • sugar – cut out sugar and you’re fighting fatigue and weight gain
  • refined carbohydrates – high carb foods contribute to fatigue and moodiness

What TO eat and drink 

  • water, plenty of it – this helps; decrease bloating, vaginal dryness and dry skin
  • fresh fibrous fruits, nuts and vegetables – you need much more calcium now, so go for lentils, almonds, sardines and dark green leafy veg
  • whole grains – oatmeal, quinoa, barley, brown rice – all provide B vitamins which help boost energy, manage stress, and keep the digestive system functioning.
  • soy and flaxseed are thought to mimic estrogen, (this isn’t proven) which can help with mood swings.
  • vitamin D – if you don’t live in a sunny climate, and don’t eat a ton of mackerel or tuna every day, then get some Vitamin D supplements. You should take 1000-2000 international units daily. Vitamin D is essential for calcium absorption (which is essential for bone density) and helps with depression and anxiety.

So all in all, this whore-moaning meno is far more manageable if you DO accept what’s happening and help yourself as much as you can.

Roll with the punches girls and, hopefully, you won’t do the punching.

What to eat during menopause



Rule number 2: Cleanse. It sounds so boring, but its both essential and great.




…..and I mean EVERY NIGHT, even if you’re a little bit tipsy, JUST DO IT!

Now you’re older, whether you’re 38 or 87, or anything in between, its time. Its TIME  to really take care of this cleansing routine. In fact great cleansing is imperative to get into your life regardless of age, so those of you in your ‘earlies’ get into a routine now and you’ll reap the benefits forever more.

bare faced
bare to face

However, for those who’ve been on the planet a while; not only have you undoubtedly acquired many ‘things’ such as old books, inherited artifacts, children (maybe); miss-matching towels; speeding fines; debt, a crap vacuum cleaner etc but you’ve also more than likely gained some worrying wrinkles; perhaps a smattering of pesky pigmentation; some screaming scars; open pores, flaky, dry patchy skin or just ruddy rosacea; whatever misdemeanors that now sully your once glowing, perky, vibrant, peachy skin can, in fact, be helped. A lot. Just by great cleansing.

So this is a two-pronged attack. I want to encourage you all to have a clear out; with everything – permanent complaints, excess clothing, dead skin cells, temperamental bowels, bulging cupboards, clutter, useless men: the lot.


Just as you wouldn’t wear the same pair of knickers for months on end, nor should you wear those skin cells. When we’re in our ‘earlies’ our skin naturally replenishes itself at an astonishing speed. By the time we’re 30, our skin has got less efficient and the dead cells are replaced more slowly. By the time we’re 40, its even slower. Once we’re 50 and beyond…well we need to get the big guns out to drag off those determined old cells that cling like glue to our faces and bodies, hanging on for as long as they possibly can in order to facilitate deeper, darker wrinkles; bigger, badder, more rotund pores and dull dull OH SO DULL skin.


Here are some of my favorite products that REALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE.


Buy Alpha H Liquid Gold here

Alpha H Liquid Gold is genius. First brand ever to recognize that exfoliation is key. Wipe this over cleansed (Alpha H Balancing Cleanser is FANTASTIC for ALL skin types) skin at night and you’ll feel a tingle – this is your skin being woken up, sent into the gym, as Liquid Gold forces your PH levels to rebalance. Do not moisturize. No need, Just go to bed and let the magic work. While you’re sleeping the AHA’s slowly munch away at your dead skin cells, revealing a fresh, hydrated face in the morning. Do use sun screen the following day. This product is brilliant for ALL SKIN COMPLAINTS.

As far as cleansing goes, this Flora Mare 4eversonic is a Great hygienic facial tool


If you don’t like the idea of an AHA exfoliator then a physical one can work just as well. I recommend the Flora Mare 4eversonic, in my opinion its better than any sonic brushes out there. Partly because bacteria can fester in brushes, no matter how frequently you clean or change the heads, but also because the 4eversonic is a joy to use, leaving your skin feeling like glass. For the older skin I highly recommend the Diamare range from Flora Mare, pictured above is their beautiful creamy cleanser, which again leaves the skin thoroughly clean and smooth.



I’m currently testing a couple of different body scrubs, so have none to recommend at the moment – but even if you just get a pair of exfoliating mitts and some body wash, add a little salt and olive oil and your skin will feel amazing.


No one likes a mess. Not really. Some people say they don’t mind living in a mess, but I don’t believe them. It hurts your head. Its annoying not being able to find stuff. Cleansing your life is as beneficial as cleansing your skin. Have a clear out. Its incredible what it does for the soul. Your junk could be someone else’s…junk, or maybe they would have a use for it…either way, get rid. Don’t hang on to stuff that is just taking space. Head space. Space space. Every time you buy a new piece of clothing, make it a rule to either give a piece away or throw a piece away. Sort through that clutter on the side, it won’t take long and it will no longer irritate you slightly every time you see it. Likewise with friends – if they’re not bringing it, then drop them. Yeah that sounds mean,  but seriously, if you have certain friends who only ever have negative things to say about you and your life…..the dump ’em. Have a cabinet re-shuffle and nuture the good ones.

So please girls, you’ve got one skin, make the most of it. Treat it right and you’ll get rewards. Of course, skin health is not just about cleansing, its also down to stress, pollution, sun damage, sleep deprivation, smoking, drinking and men. Yes, men. If he’s dragging you down, putting you down, or never going down….there’s just one thing for it….you gotta….

wash that man right outta yer hair